On Kremashun. A Posthumous Paper.

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Introduction

Ward, Artemus. “On Kremashun. A Posthumous Paper.” The Shotover Papers, or, Echoes from Oxford 1.9 (1874): 133-34. Print.

Charles Ferrar Browne was born in Waterford, Maine, on April 26, 1834. At fourteen he was apprenticed to a printing office and spent his life between the pages of newspapers and periodicals writing articles or doing small editing jobs. He reached national (and international) recognition at the age of twenty-four with his contributions to the Cleveland Plain Dealer as “Artemus Ward, Showman”—eventually becoming known as Artemus Ward himself. His letters were later compiled into Artemus Ward: His Book. “His best work at this period consisted in burlesque descriptions of prize-fights, races, spiritualistic seances, and political meetings.” [1] He actually gained his greatest prestige as a lecturer, and it was on his tour in England that he caught tuberculosis and died March 6, 1867 in Southampton, England at only thirty-two years of age. He was well-known for his letters in Punch, his lectures on Mormons and Egypt, and as “the favorite author of U.S. President Abraham Lincoln. Before presenting "The Emancipation Proclamation" to his Cabinet, Lincoln read to them the latest episode of the adventures of Artemus Ward, 'Outrage in Utiky.'" [2]

Artemus Ward was a genial showman who, like Mark Twain, wrote in his regional dialect—with phonetic spelling thrown in, making some of his words hard for the modern reader to decipher. In “On Kremashun,” Artemus Ward returns from a successful tour with his wax figures and beasts of prey to find his small town excited over the lecture on “kremashun” (cremation). When asked by the crowd if he will be cremated, he mistakes the question and replies he isn’t ready to be committed to a lunatic asylum. After the unkind laughter he receives, Ward decides to attend the lecture with his family. The idea seems fine to him until the lecturer points out that many clients have already volunteered their mothers-in-law and other encumbrances. The thought of all those people as gases, frequently bumping into each other and watching their progeny does not sit well with him, and he takes over the meeting to give his point of view. His wife is momentarily embarrassed, but she later gets her revenge.

The moral and economic debates on the practice of cremation were only beginning when Ward died, but the conversation peaked in 1874 with Sir Henry Thompson’s article in the "Contemporary Review". The article was a ten-page pragmatic approach to cremation detailing the decay cycle of the body and the sanitary advantages of cremation over burial. His most controversial suggestion was to use the leftovers as fertilizer, the type of idea that Ward satirizes in this account. Medical and review journals were quick to respond to the article (even Punch took a shot at Thompson), but even with the criticism the Cremation Society of England was founded on January 13, 1874.[3]


Transcription

On Kremashun. A Posthumous Paper.

(See PDF Version)

I hev jist Reternd 2 the Buzum of mi famerly after a suxessfool Toor with mi onparalleld Wax figgers & sagashus [4] Bestes of Pray[5] oing 2 a dispensin Provijince & trooly apprechativ aujinces.[6]

Mi Spekoolashuns[7] howiver hev bin somewat Mard by thos Axidents too which Flesh is air on2 them.[8] (This Fraze is not erriginal with the undersined,[9] But was borrod from A parsin[10] who denounct mi Sho as unmorril becos I declind 2 let him lecter in my Tint & his wife tek the cenz.[11] In the Cors of his remarx he sed, “Awl Flesh is grars & varis other non-sins,[12] Yis I replid fixin mi Egle I[13] on2 him, & it air a considerable lot of shoddy sumtimes, it air erkashunally a Lode of Donkymeet.[14]He qualed Bneeth mi bitin Sarkusms[15] & Dparted with a grone, likewise with a cote Blongin too mi Wax figger of Presidunt Linkin.[16] N.B.[17] He furgot to pa fur admittuns.[18]

The axident refurd 2, previs on2 these digresshun, were the Fact, thet mi sagashus Tiger Broke loos, & with karakteristik Pierty, commencd ontoo Wurriyin mi Wax figger of Judis Iskariat,[19] & was only Secoord arter makin Free with thet hily Interestin Individorul His hed.

The red hare of the A4sed not ergreeing with the Sagashus Broot, I wos savd in Vittls[20] fore (4) das, wich he etes 1 dollar a da.[21]

Howiver I did a Strok of Bizniss bi substitooting in the place of the Mootilatid Feechers of J.I. a wax similitood of the Hed of Theodoor Tiltin,[22] who were then Ingaged in sturrin up Filthy Warter & walloin in the same Luxoorously & makin an egrejis[23] ass of Himself in variis intrestin Was. Wen I retoornd 2 Baldinsville,[24] I diskiverd[25] the Hole plase in Tremenjis Xcitement. I ses werun 2 these Xtasees? They replid ‘Kremashun.’ I ses xactly so, thinkin that thos Infooreated feemals hed Bust in 2 a noo faze of the Wisky War.[26] They sez Wil yu B kremated? I sez Not Bing a kandidate fur the Presijency of a Loonatik Asilim I ken safly sa Nary kremate. I remarkd Hev yu awl bin krematid becos It apeers 2 ergre ontoo yu.<Ward mistakes ‘cremated’ for ‘committed’ (to a lunatic asylum) and observes that being committed must agree with his audience.</ref>

Thay Larfd and a suspichun krorst[27] me thet sum 1 sed Ignerrunt Old Fule.[28] But I restrand my feelins & tuk no Notis as the Speker was an Individooal of Imposin Statoor.[29]I fund Betsey Jane[30] & mi famerly in the same Xcitment. They informd Me thet they wer goin 2 a Lektoor on Kremashun. I replied, “As dos the undersind if ther is no kollecshun at the Dors."[31]

On mi errival I found the Baldinsville Temperinc room[32] ful onto xess.[33] The lektoorer enlitend me as 2 the Objekts of Kremashun & purseeded 2 sa thet he hed met with the most Trooly Serprizin suxess in thes Parts. He hed, he remark, reseeved offurs of meny Thousind (1000) karkisses of Muthersinlor & Ajid Parients, & other Inkumbrinces,[34] & he sed the Jenrus Bins who Offurd then Told him to kum & git them to onct & not wate fur there Diseas.[35] I was abowt to sa “Heer Heer” 2 the Muthersinlor, but refraned on Purseevin Betsy Jane who Sot Beside onto me, wettin her Nales, with a voo to mi hed.[36] I thort praps she wood make me Vext[37] So I subscided.

The lectoorer then went on 2 Sa, thet Kremashun wad kost nuthin to signeify. Evry 1 cood B burnt 4 the triflin sum of too (2) dollars.[38] (Yis, I sez to myself, I kalkerlate[39] thur is Sum 1 waitin fur yu belo who will Do it fur yu gratis & serply yu with koles 4 nuthin.)[40] He torked a grate Deel more nonsince About Anshunt Grease, of which I thort he cood Projuce a considerabl amount on Bing cremated,[41] & conclooded by saing that it was Xpected in kors of Time to serply lite from the gas givn off in the prosiss of kremashun, wen it bekame moor jinral.[42]

I thin Rose & sed, thur air Fules & Fules & yu air 1 of them, Beside the Fact thet sum of yu air a deel More likely to serply Perpetooal Ilesprings[43] then Gas, (Fixin a surkustic I upon the korpulint Figger[44] of the Lectoorer,) I rekin thet there Air surtin Individooals who wood giv orf Gas of a hily dangrus karakter in Kombinashun.[45] Think, I sez, of the trooly orful consekences of a meetin of Muther-in-lor & sun-in-lor in a Gassy stait. Their wood B an Xploshun suffishunt 2 anniherlait a Stait.[46]

(Heer their purseedid sum Alarmin Simtims[47] frum Betsey Jane, who wos fornitly preventid from Hoomiliatin Hur Spouz B4 the augince.)[48] I purseedid, “2 or 3 sich exploshuns wood Bring our Gloriis Egle in Sorrer 2 kremashun, & the oder of Bernt fethurs is Onplesint.[49] & who nose I konklooded, Thet when reternin “from the Festiv Bord”* we reklin fur Support Agin the Lamp post, thet the Berning I of owr Ansisters wood not B gazin doun Onto us.[50]

Take thet on 2 yurselves & Medditat on it. Adoo mi ga & festive Krematurs.[51] A. Ward hes sed his sa.

I konkloodid Amid uprooris Aplors.[52] But mi durmestik peace is Brokn bi the erlushun to Muthers-in-lor, I shall not knead a Barbur fur Munths.[53]

N.B. The follerin Airy epitarf[54] is writ bi the undersind agin His kremashun[55].

Heer in these Urn

Lies awl thet won’t Burn

Of the Corps of the Late

Mr. Artemus Ward,

2 oz. his wate

& Awates his reward.


A. Ward


Notes

  1. ↑ Edward Spillane, "Charles Farrar Browne," The Catholic Encyclopedia, Vol. 2., New York: Appleton, 1907, Web, 8 Mar. 2009.
  2. ↑ "Charles Farrar Browne," Wikipedia: The Free Encyclopedia, Wikimedia Foundation, n.d., Web.
  3. ↑ Information for this paragraph came from Brian Parsons' Committed to the Cleansing Flame: The Development of Cremation in Nineteenth-Century England, 2005.
  4. ↑ "Sagacious: ‘acute in perception, especially by the sense of smell; intelligent (animals)’" (OED).
  5. ↑ Ward’s current show consisted of wax figures and wild animals.
  6. ↑ Blessed by Providence (God) and appreciative audiences.
  7. ↑ Speculations.
  8. ↑ Flesh is heir to accidents was a common phrase in Victorian medical journals.
  9. ↑ Undersigned (author); also implies a true testimony he would sign.
  10. ↑ Parson (minister) wanted to borrow the tent for (probably) a revival meeting.
  11. ↑ Took offense.
  12. ↑ 1 Peter 1:24 “For all flesh is as grass, and all the glory of man as the flower of grass, and the flower thereof falleth away.” and various other nonsense.
  13. ↑ Eagle eye.
  14. ↑ Not sure of precise meaning, but connected ignorance and barbarity.
  15. ↑ Biting Sarcasms.
  16. ↑ Ward was a favorite author of Lincoln (“Charles Ferrar Browne,” Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia, 30 Nov. 2008.
  17. ↑ “Nota Bene” Latin for note well (OED).
  18. ↑ Ironically, the parson, a man of God, stole a coat and didn’t pay for admittance.
  19. ↑ The characteristically pious tiger chooses the head of Judas Iscariot (disciple and betrayer of Christ) as his lunch.
  20. ↑ Vittles: from victuals; to feed or pasture.
  21. ↑ The tiger eats a dollar’s worth of food each day (a large sum then).
  22. ↑ Theodore Tilton (1835-1907), editor of The Independent and prominent abolitionist. Most famous for his poem “Even This Shall Pass Away” (Appleton’s Cyclopedia of American Biography).
  23. ↑ "Egregious: remarkable in a bad sense; gross, flagrant, outrageous" (OED).
  24. ↑ Baldinsville, New York is the ‘hometown’ of the fictional Artemus Ward.
  25. ↑ Discovered.
  26. ↑ The ‘women’s’ movement against whiskey and excessive drink.
  27. ↑ Crossed.
  28. ↑ Someone said ignorant old fool.
  29. ↑ Imposing stature: rather tall and intimidating.
  30. ↑ Wife of fictional Ward.
  31. ↑ The undersigned will attend the lecture only if it’s free.
  32. ↑ Temperance Hall: "a building used for public meetings or entertainments at which no intoxicants are sold or provided" (OED).
  33. ↑ Ironic that the temperance room is in excess.
  34. ↑ Carcasses of mothers-in-law and aged parents, and other encumbrances. Encumbrance: "possessing legal claim to an estate; useless addition, annoyance, trouble" (OED).
  35. ↑ Come and get them at once and not wait for their decease.
  36. ↑ Wetting her nails, with a view of my head: preparing her nails to strike him if he said anything.
  37. ↑ Vex: "to trouble . . . by aggression, encroachment or other interference with peace and quiet" (OED).
  38. ↑ Everyone could be burned for the small amount of $2.
  39. ↑ Calculate.
  40. ↑ Implies the devil will get his chance to burn the lecturer free of charge; he even provides the coals.
  41. ↑ Ward thinks the lecture useless as grease.
  42. ↑ There were many arguments supporters of cremation used to sway the public toward their view. This one suggests using the gas (instead of things like steam and coal) to produce electricity.
  43. ↑ Well-springs: "a source of perennial emanation or supply" (OED).
  44. ↑ Fixing a sarcastic eye upon the corpulent figure.
  45. ↑ Highly dangerous character in combination.
  46. ↑ When mother-in-law and son-in-law meet, even in as gasses, the explosion could annihilate a state.
  47. ↑ Alarming symptoms.
  48. ↑ He prevented her from humiliating him—but she can’t say the same.
  49. ↑ The glorious eagle would soar into cremation and the smell of burnt feathers is unpleasant.
  50. ↑ The dead would hold offspring accountable and watch them.
  51. ↑ Adieu my gay and festive cremators.
  52. ↑ Concluded amid uproarious applause.
  53. ↑ His wife followed through on her silent promise and gave him and ear-lashing, but she evidently cut more than his ear.
  54. ↑ Epitaph: "an inscription upon a tomb. Hence, occasionally, a brief composition characterizing a deceased person, and expressed as if intended to be inscribed on his tombstone" (OED).
  55. ↑ Here in this urn lies all that won’t burn of the corpse of the late Mr. Artemus Ward, two ounces his weight and awaits his reward.


Edited by: Rentmeister, Amanda: section 1, Winter 2009


From: Volume 1, Issue 9 (The Shotover Papers, or, Echoes from Oxford)

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